I've been busy this weekend, as a loyal strawman liberal, executing some tactical strikes in the War Against Christmas. I was up late Friday night re-arranging the neighbors Christmas lights so that their "Happy Holidays" and "Merry Christmas" signs now read "Pay Hip Ho Ladys" and "Merry Shit! Scram!" Even though I personally question the efficacy of such measures, the War Against Christmas Operations Manual insists that these are invaluable subversive morale-destroying measures which make Baby Jesus and Bill O'Reilly cry.
Also, I checked the mail Saturday. In it was the check from the ACLU containing the money from George Soros. With check in hand, I placed two full-page ads in the local paper, set to run for the entire week of Christmas.
The reason for placing two ads has to do with the double-pronged attack strategy. One ad reminds everybody of the pagan origins of Christmas as the celebration of the Winter Solstice. It features the prominent tagline: "This Christmas, remember to thank a pagan!" The second ad is ostensibly from a fundamentalist christian shell orgainization, lamenting the commercialization of Christmas, and imploring everyone to not to forget "the reason for the season" by getting too wrapped up in the buying. This ad serves to deliver a deadly blow to the capitalist retailers.
On the way back from the newspaper offices, I decided to stop in at the nearby Christian bookstore. This place is clearly not a "Happy Holidays" kind of place. Hell, at this time of year, all their t-shirts and sweatshirts that are normally tagged as size XL are changed to read "Christ Large". I badgered them to order some Harry Potter books for me for a while, then used the rest of the Soros money to buy up their entire inventory of Narina boxed sets. This way, there will be a bunch of god-fearing children who wont have the books in time for the December release of the movie.
Bwah-hahahaha! It's good to be an evil strawman liberal.
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